I wonder what outside of me is like...

I don't know if I am depressed, but I do know that I am not completely happy. I don't think I am a big people pleaser. But those whose thoughts do matter to me the most, can hurt when I only find their disapproval. I feel like I am all over the place. I mean I know there are people out there just like me, married, young, going to school, trying to pay school, working OT everyday for months. But not all of them are like me. They don’t hurt like I do, physically I mean. The constant pelvic pain today, for example, was intense. On my husbands birthday! I sucked it up for the most part, until I had to excuse myself to use the restroom because the pain grew so intense, I had to throw up my food.

I know my game plan to complete school is a stressor on my life, but to me it's something else to focus on rather than the pain from Endometriosis, or the imbalance due to Hashimotos. It’s something outside myself I can worry about. Outside myself seems like a painless precious place. And I wonder what it is like all the time. My parents worry like any ones would. About how much I put on myself. Not understanding the love for the outside of me. They think I make myself sick, or that I make things worse for myself. Sometimes I think about what it would be if they had a healthier daughter. Sometimes I think my husband deserves a better wife, or one that can make him happier. But thinking about those things does not change the fact, I take 6 pills a day, not including my pain meds, I have to manage my immune system by taking injections to get my body used to allergens people hardly ever are effected by, that my life is pills, and surgeries and injections and throwing up in a public bathroom, while other women ask me if I am ok; then question their food. My life is heating pads and wondering if making love will hurt. It's a tight throat, and wondering is this stress or is this a goiter? It's working OT and getting bitched at by people who think they have a worse life and deserve to let out aggression on someone like me who sits at a desk and gets paid to listen and be polite. Life is wanting to make the people around me happy and proud of me. Then realizing I may never be able to do just that.  And crying alone in my work bathroom silently. It's not being able to sit up or stand up bc your back and legs feel like they are going to give out from the pain of being in pain ALL THE TIME. Life, is keeping it all in so you seem normal enough to make those around you happy. No I don’t think i am depressed just not completely happy. So yes, I cry for little things all the time, sad little sentimental moments during the movies, or when my husband says something sweet. I am not weak, it is just a chance for me to let it all out at once, all that I've been holding in for awhile. To make more room to pack more in. I don't think people hate me. I know they love me, that is why they are still here. I just wonder what life would be like for them if I was healthier, and happier.

I wonder what outside of me is like.

Being Sick - Endometriosis and Hashimoto's Disease

Jessica Brooks Living with Endometriosis and Hashimoto’s Disease

Depression & Anger

Why me? They don’t understand. Being sick...

HELLO AGAIN...

Me again, hello fellow bloggers and followers. For those who are new to my blog, let me get started on a quick summary. My name is Jessica and I am 27 years old. At 26 I almost died. Cool story right? Well i was saved thanks to emergency surgery and advanced medical technology. Also, because of the same advanced medical technology, or lack thereof, I was also diagnosed with Endometriosis, 11 years after having it. A debilitating chronic illness that causes severe pain, all the time! Despite what you may research, I am in pain throughout my cycle. Before, after, during… It always hurts. “But you look healthy and act happy.” I do because well, it's kind of what women have been told to do since the day they first got their period. “Keep it a secret, hide your sanitary napkins in a small purse you put inside another purse, or buy the discreet tampons.” We can’t let society know we BLEED! God forbid. It be utter chaos! Well to throw a fantastic cherry on top! I have since discovered. That I am dealing with not 1 but 2 chronic illnesses that have no cure. On top of having Endometriosis I have been diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease. What is that you ask?

Hashimotos Disease

Hashimoto’s disease is an autoimmune disorder that can cause hypothyroidism, or underactive thyroid. With this disease, your immune system attacks your thyroid. The thyroid becomes damaged and can’t make enough thyroid hormones.

The thyroid is a small, butterfly-shaped gland in the front of your neck.
Thyroid hormones control how your body uses energy, so they affect nearly every organ in your
body—even the way your heart beats. Without enough thyroid hormones, many of your body’s
functions slow down.

As hypothyroidism progresses, you may have one or more of the following symptoms:

• tiredness
• weight gain 
• trouble tolerating cold 
• joint and muscle pain 
• constipation 
• dry, thinning hair 
• heavy or irregular menstrual periods and problems becoming pregnant (also with my Endometriosis) 
• depression BINGO! 
• memory problems 
• a slowed heart rate - Sometimes I pass out..

https://www.niddk.nih.gov/health-information/endocrine-diseases/hashimotos-disease
This content is provided as a service of the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases
(NIDDK), part of the National Institutes of Health. The NIDDK translates and disseminates research findings
through its clearinghouses and education programs to increase knowledge and understanding about health
and disease among patients, health professionals, and the public.
Content produced by the NIDDK is carefully reviewed by NIDDK scientists and other experts.

The NIDDK would like to thank:

COL Henry B. Burch, MD, Chair, Endocrinology Division and Professor of Medicine, Uniformed Services
University of the Health Sciences; Leonard Wartofsky, M.D., M.A.C.P., Washington Hospital Center and
Georgetown University Hospital

My attitude about being SICK.

I am angry all the time. Everything gets to me. I am angry about it being too loud, I am angry
about being tired all the time, I am mad when I am late to work. I am always angry. But most
of all I am angry that I am sick. I am upset. I have been dealt this sickly deck of cards, I can’t
seem to pick up and get in order without me spilling it on the ground again every flare up. I hate
being the sick girl. I have the 5 pills a day I am instructed to take no matter how much they make
my head hurt or my stomach turn. EVERYDAY. I am upset that I have to build up my immune
system with injections. Which honestly still wouldn’t be that bad but with the meds everyday and
the not knowing if today is going to be a good day or not, it is just something else to be angry
about. People don’t want to be around me, and I don’t blame them because sometimes I don’t
want to be around myself. I should enter in a line here about being strong and dealing with things
because I am strong enough to deal with them. But, I would be lying to myself and to you. I don’t
know how to be ok with who I am. A person my age should finally be getting comfortable with who
they are and I am just still fighting the inevitable. Being the sick girl. The one who can’t start a
family the way she wants to. One who can’t travel the way she wants, let alone go out without
her pain medications. And if something is too much for me. Then why bother? My attitude
about being sick is exactly that, an attitude. I am always angry and depressed. But I can admit
that. And I can be ok with that. How to feel better, mentally anyways, I haven’t figured out yet.
But if and when I do I will share for those who are feeling just like me… Till next time

-Sick Girl

The Double Whammy! Diagnosed with an Autoimmune disease after Endometriosis

I have dealt with fatigue, I am used to it. But when I started having other issues, like no appetite for days, I decided to see my doctor. She asked if I was having trouble breathing, because my oxygen levels were so low. I said no I was just really tired. Again I am used to it. Pain and fatigue, it is my normal. She recommended a blood test, and it came back that my thyroid levels were super low. And my B-12 and Vitamin D levels were so low is was nearly non existent. B-12 gives me energy, Vitamin D helps my body absorb calcium. 
thy·roid

ˈTHīˌroid/

1. a large ductless gland in the neck that secretes hormones regulating growth and development through the rate of metabolism. The thyroid 

   stores and produces hormones that affect the function of virtually every organ in our bodies. Basically it ells my heart when and how to beat, my lungs how fast to breath, my brain how to think, my stomach how to digest, and so on and so forth.

   
   

I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Disease an Autoimmune disorder. This is not a thyroid issue. This is my immune system attacking my thyroid. My body was literally attacking itself. 

Hashimoto's Disease

Requires a medical diagnosis

Symptoms include fatigue and unexplained weight gain.

People may experience:

Skin: dryness or roughness

Hair: hair loss or dryness

Also common: constipation, depression, enlarged thyroid, fatigue, joint stiffness, muscle weakness, puffy eyes, sensitivity to cold, slow heart rate, swelling in extremities, or weight gain.

I myself was having heart palpitations, sweating in the middle of the night with the A/C and fan on, fatigue ( I was napping multiple times through out the day) and weight gain. EW! Doctor tells me I have to be careful when I get sick or get infections. My immune system is not the strongest. This explains how a small cold can go from 0 to 100 for me and how when I got sick and diagnosed with Endometriosis, I got so sick so fast I nearly lost my life. The positive is I can continue to say, ok I have answers. Just got to keep moving forward. Keep pushing. So what if I have to work harder than most people. At least I am here. 

I learned I will have to be on medication the rest of my life. And that some women who have Endometriosis also have Hashimoto's Disease. There are studies that describe them as being nearly the same. I guess I am just lucky like that. I know that I will be taking 4 to 5 medications every single day now. And that on my bad weeks I will require a B-12 injection at the Doctors office just to help me make it through the week. But like any Endo warrior, I know how to fight. I know how to go further, even when it feels like I can't. I am a survivor and I have a great support system. My husband was already on the phone line once I told him, "We will do what we have to, to get you feeling better." he said. I love him. 

I have Endometriosis a chronic illness, I also now, am diagnosed with Hashimoto's Disease, an Autoimmune disease. I hit the double Whammy! And I ain't done fighting yet. I still got a lot of fight left in me.

Hashimoto's Disease Information and Support

TO: Bone of my bones & flesh of my flesh FROM: Your Rib

Dear Bone of my bones & flesh of my flesh,

 

The day I married him. My world changed, suddenly up didn't just mean up, falling just didn't mean falling. My heart felt protected. My mind was clearer. Every step I took, I took with bigger purpose. And you held my hand. You held my hand through the easy, and lifted me up during the bad. I don't know how you do it. I know you get tired, I see it in your eyes. But you're there every time I slip or stumble. And I call that love. I can always count on you. I can't say that about many people in my life but you I can say for sure. You will be there.

Then it happened....

Plans changed. It was no longer babies, and a house.. It was my health, my body deteriorating, you nearly losing me. The sights weren't new places we saw for the first time together, or pictures taken smiling and full of what was to come next. It was views from hospital beds and anxiety from pain and the urge to hurry up and get to the good part of life just in case I don't make it that long with you. 

What a thought, what a terrible, tragic, thought. Stress levels eating me up. I worry I stress you out too. I know I do. But you are always there. Waiting and holding me up. Just so you can get back to loving me again. I don't know how you do it. I don't understand your version of love because it is endless, like a book with no ending or a song that never ends. There is you and your hope and your faith and your strength. I don't know how you do it. But you do it every day. And you tell me you love me all the time. 

I don't have advice for you, on how to love yourself more then me. I hardly love me sometimes. Plus the way you love me is unfathomable, I couldn't even begin. But my advice is for the women who suffer like me. You will not ever be alone. You just haven't found your someone. I found mine young. I think God knew I needed him. I don't think I'd have the will if I didn't have him. 

My baby you support me in everything I do. You protect me and guide me. You are my light and you recharge me when I need it. The thought of not being your wife I can not ever understand. I don't know how I got so lucky. And I don't know how you do it. You make it look easy. And you ask for nothing in return, but my love. You are brilliant and amazing. The best thing in my life. The every fiber of my being. I have become a part of you, because of the way you loved me. I need you to survive. I have you and I am lucky. I am blessed. I came from the strongest of ribs. How lucky am I?

I want you to know I am grateful. Although sometimes I may not show it. You are everything and all that is good in my life. You are the air that I breath, you sustain me mind, body and soul. When God knew I had to fight a disease, he sent me a warrior to remind me how strong I am and where I came from. I love you so much. My man is my world. Today I am grateful...

From,

Your Rib

If you have a partner who supports you don't forget to remind them how much they mean to you.

Anxiety from Pain is a Mother!

Anxiety from Pain is a Mother!

We have all been there, anxious, worried, scared. Worried about the doctor visit we should probably schedule because the pain is getting worse. Anxious about the pain coming and going, like the edge of the ocean. Scared about the potential yet inevitable next surgery. "Will they take my ovaries this time?" Today like any other day at work, I completed several task those that I do day in and day out. When I stood to get something from the copy machine it hit me. Hard! Like a freight train. Ovary pain, the same pain that I remember put me in the hospital for weeks. Then, just as quickly as it came it went away. I was worried, was it the start of something? I continued through out my day. Noticing pain here and there, and then every once in awhile pain that stop me in my tracks. I was able to finish my work day. As I laid in bed after a shower the pain came back. Then went away again. I started to cry and negotiate with my body. "Please I don't want to deal with this, I can't do another surgery right now. I will lay here for you and not move if you just stop!" I started biting my nails, a habit my husband hates. He ask me what is wrong and I tell him. I cry and he holds me and says it will be okay. All I can think about is how long it has been since my last surgery and how it's probably grown back, again. "Will they save my ovary this time?" I can't stop the thoughts they are as frequent now as the pain. The anxiety is scary and I feel like I am backed into the corner of a room I want out of! My body, being that room. But there is no way out. My biggest fear going into surgery is not waking up. I am worried beyond measure that the birth control I have been put on has stopped working. The doctor says if this didn't work, surgery would be next. Was it always inevitable? I shake and I feel like I just dry swallowed a hard pill. Afraid to move or do too much. So I... lay here. As promised. And I am not alone in this room because I see my husband at the foot of the bed enjoying football and music. And I... lay here. Not alone. But so alone. In this room I want to get out of.. But can't. Because it is my own body. If Endometriosis doesn't take enough of me, anxiety sure will. Anxiety is a Mother F@*#$%!

Traveling tips for Endo Warriors

I love to travel! Whether it's seeing new places or visiting relatives, I enjoy living out a suitcase with my significant other. However, being chronically ill and trying to enjoy driving for hours, sight seeing, attending events sometimes becomes difficult.

Spoon theory- "Spoons" are a visual representation used as a unit of measure used to quantify how much energy a person has throughout a given day. Each activity requires a given number of spoons, which will only be replaced as the person "recharges" through rest. A person who runs out of spoons has no choice but to rest until their spoons are replenished." - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory  

Sometimes I may not have enough spoons to attend events, travel, drive, fly, sight see, etc...

That is why I decided to come up with a plan! I wanted to make sure I had a check list of items and ideas that could help me get through the day, and potentially provide me more spoons. I came up with a few tips of my own and also asked a few other spoonies what they think might help a Endometriosis sufferer during a trip. 

1. Track your cycle  - Know where you are in your cycle when traveling. For example, I know my bad days are during my period, and during ovulation. This can help you with a multitude of planning. 
2. Do not pack lightly  - Think about the things you may need when you are traveling. Medications - decide which medications may be helpful and make sure you have enough to last the entire trip. This includes, over the counter meds, nausea pills, prescription pain medications, and even your birth control pills. Also feminine hygiene products! Stock up on pads, tampons, menstrual cups, reusable pads, etc. And clothes, if you are are anything like me when on your period and you bleed more then the usual person, pack extra under wear, and remember to travel comfortably! Might even be a great idea to see your doctor before heading on a trip, to refill medications and to check on your overall health. 
3. Bring your essentials - For a Spoonie like me this means my heating pad. You may want to look into disposable heating pads or ones that may have a car charger connection, for those who are traveling on the road. This also means my NOOK, I love to read so bringing something to keep me distracted can sometimes help. Anything you consider a need to help you during those hard times is essential. 
4. Watch what you eat - I know sometimes during a trip eating healthy can be time consuming. I myself find it better if I can cook my own food. But I also know my endometriosis has triggers. For me its red meat, and dairy. This just means if I can't cook my own meals to look for better alternatives, rather than the gas station snacks or the drive thru burger joints. I do, however, love ice cream so I always consider moderation when wanting to indulge. 
5. Drink A lot of water - Staying hydrated can help with cramps also it is better for your overall health. For those traveling to remote parts of the world, remember to bring a water bottle to refill along with a portable water filter built in. Staying properly hydrated will aid your body during those pain episodes.
6. Work out - I know this sounds crazy right! I don't mean complete a full work out regime every day. I mean do what you can and continue to move. Depending on how many spoons I have for that day I will either run a few miles or do low impact yoga. Do what is best for you and do NOT over exert yourself. 
7. Sleep - Get your rest. Take naps during breaks in your day. Maybe try not to stay out to late when you know tomorrow is going to be a full schedule. 
8. Plan your days - This might make it easier to plan when to start your day and decide to hit the hay during your trip. This can help you see and do more things. 
9. Treat yo' self - Remember to have fun! You are more then your illness and you deserve this time to enjoy and create new memories. Smile, laugh, and live your life to the absolute fullest. Remember you are not suffering, you are surviving!
10. Create your own list - I hope my list gave you a head start on planning your trip. Sometimes it may be best to ask a trusted friend or a significant other who knows you and your illness well enough to help you decide what other things might be a good idea to bring or do before heading off on your trip.

"I haven't been everywhere, but it's on my list." - Susan Sontag

Pussy Politics

Pussy Politics

POLITICS SHOULD NOT INVOLVE MY UTERUS! There are actual laws that govern what a woman can or can't do with her baby maker! What about my blooming uterus is so damn scary that politicians feel obligated to not only write policies, but make a woman's reproductive rights, or lack there of, their campaign slogans. I truly believe a woman's body is her own.

Even when we aren't talking about Pro Choice or Birth Control pills. The government still has its big foot crushing a woman's wallet from the get go. Something flying below the radar is the "Pink Tax" Half the population is subject to paying the Pink Tax are you? Well, are you female? If you answered yes then sorry but your'e being taxed like a M***er F***er! Things like clothes, tampons, razors, other personal care items, dry cleaning, and even vehicle repair can fall under pink tax. Having a uterus also means you pay an average of 13% more on term life insurance, 48% more on hair products, 57% more on haircuts, and 92% more on dry cleaned clothes! We already get paid less, Now we also have to spend near $1,400 more a year on the same items men purchase. Hmmm? YEAH. WTF!

 

So here is the deal, no matter what part of the political spectrum you fall under one thing this is for sure. Women are not a political tool! My birth control should be free, I am already paying triple for it in taxes. And the purpose of it is nobody's GOD DAMN BUSINESS! But if you must know, birth control is helping me keep my organs from cementing themselves together due to Endometriosis. It is also helping me keep from developing golf ball sized cyst on my ovaries. And yes, keeping me from getting pregnant. You know so I can finish my degree! I am married but under no obligation from my husband to have a child. So my government needs to take notes and stay out of my business. Every woman has her own story. NOW LET HER LIVE IT! NO UTERUS NO OPINION.

I mean, do you even Uterus bro?!

 What are some of your thoughts? What are other reasons a women's reproductive organs, or the fact we are women, shouldn't be used as a political tool?