Anxiety from Pain is a Mother!

Anxiety from Pain is a Mother!

We have all been there, anxious, worried, scared. Worried about the doctor visit we should probably schedule because the pain is getting worse. Anxious about the pain coming and going, like the edge of the ocean. Scared about the potential yet inevitable next surgery. "Will they take my ovaries this time?" Today like any other day at work, I completed several task those that I do day in and day out. When I stood to get something from the copy machine it hit me. Hard! Like a freight train. Ovary pain, the same pain that I remember put me in the hospital for weeks. Then, just as quickly as it came it went away. I was worried, was it the start of something? I continued through out my day. Noticing pain here and there, and then every once in awhile pain that stop me in my tracks. I was able to finish my work day. As I laid in bed after a shower the pain came back. Then went away again. I started to cry and negotiate with my body. "Please I don't want to deal with this, I can't do another surgery right now. I will lay here for you and not move if you just stop!" I started biting my nails, a habit my husband hates. He ask me what is wrong and I tell him. I cry and he holds me and says it will be okay. All I can think about is how long it has been since my last surgery and how it's probably grown back, again. "Will they save my ovary this time?" I can't stop the thoughts they are as frequent now as the pain. The anxiety is scary and I feel like I am backed into the corner of a room I want out of! My body, being that room. But there is no way out. My biggest fear going into surgery is not waking up. I am worried beyond measure that the birth control I have been put on has stopped working. The doctor says if this didn't work, surgery would be next. Was it always inevitable? I shake and I feel like I just dry swallowed a hard pill. Afraid to move or do too much. So I... lay here. As promised. And I am not alone in this room because I see my husband at the foot of the bed enjoying football and music. And I... lay here. Not alone. But so alone. In this room I want to get out of.. But can't. Because it is my own body. If Endometriosis doesn't take enough of me, anxiety sure will. Anxiety is a Mother F@*#$%!