I don't know if I am depressed, but I do know that I am not completely happy. I don't think I am a big people pleaser. But those whose thoughts do matter to me the most, can hurt when I only find their disapproval. I feel like I am all over the place. I mean I know there are people out there just like me, married, young, going to school, trying to pay school, working OT everyday for months. But not all of them are like me. They don’t hurt like I do, physically I mean. The constant pelvic pain today, for example, was intense. On my husbands birthday! I sucked it up for the most part, until I had to excuse myself to use the restroom because the pain grew so intense, I had to throw up my food.
I know my game plan to complete school is a stressor on my life, but to me it's something else to focus on rather than the pain from Endometriosis, or the imbalance due to Hashimotos. It’s something outside myself I can worry about. Outside myself seems like a painless precious place. And I wonder what it is like all the time. My parents worry like any ones would. About how much I put on myself. Not understanding the love for the outside of me. They think I make myself sick, or that I make things worse for myself. Sometimes I think about what it would be if they had a healthier daughter. Sometimes I think my husband deserves a better wife, or one that can make him happier. But thinking about those things does not change the fact, I take 6 pills a day, not including my pain meds, I have to manage my immune system by taking injections to get my body used to allergens people hardly ever are effected by, that my life is pills, and surgeries and injections and throwing up in a public bathroom, while other women ask me if I am ok; then question their food. My life is heating pads and wondering if making love will hurt. It's a tight throat, and wondering is this stress or is this a goiter? It's working OT and getting bitched at by people who think they have a worse life and deserve to let out aggression on someone like me who sits at a desk and gets paid to listen and be polite. Life is wanting to make the people around me happy and proud of me. Then realizing I may never be able to do just that. And crying alone in my work bathroom silently. It's not being able to sit up or stand up bc your back and legs feel like they are going to give out from the pain of being in pain ALL THE TIME. Life, is keeping it all in so you seem normal enough to make those around you happy. No I don’t think i am depressed just not completely happy. So yes, I cry for little things all the time, sad little sentimental moments during the movies, or when my husband says something sweet. I am not weak, it is just a chance for me to let it all out at once, all that I've been holding in for awhile. To make more room to pack more in. I don't think people hate me. I know they love me, that is why they are still here. I just wonder what life would be like for them if I was healthier, and happier.
I wonder what outside of me is like.
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